Why I'm glad I stayed

A lot of people my age give up on church. They grow frustrated with ideologies that they disagree with or the prevalent attitude that is displayed, or by the conservatism or staunchness or hypocrisy that they perceive. So eventually, they stop trying and decide to love Jesus all on their own and denounce the church altogether.

At one time, I was *this* close to being among the casualties.

I can remember when each week, I left church discouraged. Ready to quit. Longing to go elsewhere. In my early twenties, I struggled with the sins I saw that I thought were ignored. I loathed how it took years and years for things to change. I felt like I had no voice, no place, that I would never be heard.

But try as I might, I never had a peace about leaving.

So we stayed.

Not a day goes by that I'm not grateful that we stayed. Seriously. Not a single day.


Were there things in the church that were wrong? Yes.

Were there things in me that were wrong? Even yesser.

If I had left, I might never have realized my own pride. I might never have discovered what real love looks like. I might never have learned how to disagree with someone and still greatly respect them at the same time.

I've heard a list of reasons why it's better to leave the church. There isn't a place for me. Nothing ever changes. Jesus isn't here. I used to feel all of these things. But now, I get to thinking about how wrong my notions were. There was a place for me--a gentle dissenter. It was painful, and very humbling, but God got me to the point where I could disagree with a right spirit (after I majorly failed a few times). Things did change--my church looks wildly different than it did ten years ago. The atmosphere is sweeter, friendlier, dare I say, more like Jesus. It took some time and some difficult years for our church, but God was working in hearts all along, even when I thought no one was listening. Jesus was there--if he's in me, he's in my church! And how self-absorbed was I to think that I had the corner on all things theological?

I've learned that church isn't going to be perfect. Not until Jesus comes back. Church is full of sinners, of whom I am chief. Believers aren't meant to be an island. We need community. We need to hear each other pray and see each other grow and meet each other's needs. Iron needs to sharpen iron. Sometimes, we need to disagree so that God can teach us something big, or show us how to love without conditions, or work a miracle right before our eyes.

I remember sitting around discussing all the problems our church was having with my equally frustrated family and hearing my mom say "Love is the answer."

Don't you hate it when your mom is right?

A believer's relationship with the church is much like a marriage relationship.

Love stays, even when things suck.

Love prays and gently encourages godly change.

Love is humble.

Love isn't concerned about feeling like it belongs, but in serving others.

Love covers a multitude of sins.

You can't love Jesus and not love Jesus' bride. Even when they sin. Especially when they sin! You cannot distance yourself from those whom you'll share Heaven with and still proclaim that you are Christlike. You can't glorify God and hate God's people.

And again, like marriage, it's beautiful to watch God weave a church together, to see discipline and forgiveness play out before your very eyes in real, tangible ways. It's humbling to serve and see how God uses you for the good of someone else. And it's utterly miraculous to have a huge extended family and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when a need in your life arises, you have a place to go.

Our pastor often says relationships are messy. Sin so easily mars and destroys. But human relationships are where the redeeming grace of God can really shine through. I've learned more from people who are not like me than I ever learned from people who are a lot like me. We need each other.

Jesus has loved me unconditionally throughout seasons of my life when I barely acknowledged that he was my Savior, when I was drowning in willful sins and only serving myself.

Because of that, I will love his bride unconditionally and vow to get through the tough times.

Families gotta stick together, after all.

An open letter to my children

First off, let me just say, I love you guys. You're, like, totally the bees knees. I think we're working as a great team here and for the most part, things rock.

Seriously, great work out there, guys.

There are just a *few* minor issues that need to be addressed. Not even issues. More like encouragements. Yes, encouragements. Let's call them "Mom's Minor But Enthusiastic Exhortations For Better All Around Family Quality". MMBEXFBAAFQ for short. MEE for shorter.

MEE #1: It's really not necessary to pull items out of your drawers and throw them into the air behind you when looking for acceptable clothing to wear. This is often the reason that you claim to have nothing to wear. Just scan the room.

MEE #2: If there's dirt all over the towel after you wash your hands, you haven't really washed your hands.

MEE #3: There will never be a time in my life when I don't consider some of the shows you love lame. It's pointless to press the issue. Love Power Rangers all you want, but I will never sing its praises and I will always have that look on my face when I pause to listen to the dialogue. You don't have to say "What??" defensively.

MEE #4: I will always offer you vegetables at dinner. Don't act like it's a diabolical act intentionally done to thwart your personal happiness. (I'm talkin' to you, Thing Two.)

MEE #5: That little silver toggle thing on the side of the toilet? Use it.

MEE #6: Ya know that thing you do where as soon as I stand up from the couch you dive into my spot? Yeah...let's not do that.

MEE #7: Pants are not optional. I know we've covered this.

MEE #8: Sometimes I clean up the house just to clean it. Or put on makeup and pants with a real waistband just because. Don't automatically assume company's coming over or that we're going somewhere.

MEE #9: I know you're just trying to make Daddy feel good about himself when you say you love his music. I know you don't really find those 80's rock hits and the techno mixes so totally awesome. I know when you beg to hear them in the van, you're just trying to boost his confidence.

Right?

MEE #10: Just because Homegirl finds you funny doesn't mean you actually are funny. What slays the infant crowd doesn't usually work on the 30 something crowd. But A for effort there.

I'll alert you to new MEEs as they become available. Keep up the good work. I think we've got a good season going, so let's keep our eye on the ball. Team on three--One, two, TEAM!

Now please go put the clothes back in your drawers.

Poor Blog

I have not been much good in the blogging department lately. I sorta feel like my writing button is stuck. It seems my brain can only hold so much in the creativity department, and lately, my limited creative resources have been busy with photography. I actually have two different posts forming in my head about completely random topics, but they never seem to leap from my brain to the screen.

I seriously can't even finish a coherent sentence. I keep backspacing.

So I guess what I'm saying is, until inspiration hits, you might hear crickets chirping on my blog for a few more days.

But, dude, my flickr is lighting up like a Christmas tree.

March Ten on Ten

Click to view in a slideshow.

You may notice there are eleven. That was accidental. And I'm too lazy to remove one. BONUS!

For all the girls out there

Yesterday, I tried on a swimming suit I liked.

It didn't go well.

I'm sure you're familiar with the feeling. Standing in front of the dressing room mirror, in a suit that looked modest and adorable on the hanger, in a size you thought would be more than ample, and finding that your reflection is not at all what you had in mind.

How easily the thoughts come. "Blech. So fat. I'm hideous."

I've learned by now not to really give those fleeting thoughts much attention. I dismiss them as quickly as I dismiss the ill fitting suit.

Not because I think I'm awesome sauce. Not because I "love my body" or all of that nonsense. But because I've learned the hard way that my worth as a human isn't measured by how my body looks at the beach. There was a time in my life when I was incredibly thin--much too thin for my height. At my skinniest, when I "should" have been happy with how I looked, I hated myself. I was insecure, needy, depressed, and obsessed with appearance.

Ugh. Just makes me want to go back in time and slap myself.

Fast forward to now. I'm at least fifty pounds heavier than I was then, and I've doubled my dress size. I'm fleshy and curvy and lumpy and stretch marked. Trying on bathing suits displays my nice collection of cellulite. And yet, I have a hard time even really caring.

Probably because caring reminds me of that depressed, annoying, insecure, obsessive eighteen year old that needs a good kick in her skinny butt. I would never want to trade places with her, even if it meant I could rock a bathing suit. There are much more important things I would rather be concerned with now.

Women obsessed with their bodies is a pet peeve of mine. Call it what you will: fitness, health, dieting, being toned and strong--to me it all smells of body obsession. It's like the new fad among Christian women that being godly means being fit. It means not eating sugar and working out every day.

It's really just a new brand of legalism. And legalism always has its roots in pride.

Time for the disclaimer: I'm not saying working out and eating right are bad. That's not my point. But I truly believe that the motivation behind these things can often be sinful.

Today, I sampled some of the Pinterest fitness boards (which I usually avoid like the plague) to get a taste (pun intended) of the idea behind this avid desire to be skinny and rock hard. Why is it so important to women to be what is currently considered attractive? Why do we kill ourselves and hate our bodies and get so wrapped up in making them look a certain way? Why do we fall into the legalism that equates eating a piece of cheesecake with moral failure?

I tell ya, ten minutes on those boards made me sad for women today. I just saw lie after lie after lie. Here are some examples of the false advertising:

"The goal isn't to be perfect, but to be better, and to never, ever stop." This was plastered over a half naked woman who was perfectly thin and muscular. So, if the goal isn't to be perfect, why the perfect model?

"I'd rather be fit and healthy than skinny and hungry." Also plastered over a half naked, perfectly thin woman who probably hasn't eaten sugar in seven years and had a bit of a smug expression on her face. I'm sensing a trend here.

"I will become who I should have been all along. I will do this for me. I will shock them all." Aside from the grammatical error, I'm confused. Are you doing it for you or so you can shock them all? (In reality, it's all about appearance and feeling powerful when others find you appealing.)

"Lean. Sexy. Hard." Apparently, we curvy, fleshy women are just doomed to a life of being unattractive.

"My butt is big..." This one made me laugh. It was again, plastered over a half naked, perfectly toned woman, and it was this long diatribe about how she loved her "big" butt and everybody else could just shut up. I think it was for Nike. Very...inspirational.

"Just ten pounds..." Yes, because those ten pounds are the reason you feel insecure and unhappy, and if they go away, everything will magically be wonderful in your life.

And here's my favorite, from the queen of annoying body legalism, Gwyneth Paltrow. "The reason I can be 38 with two kids and still wear a bikini is because I work my f****** a** off. It's not an accident. It's not luck. It's not fairy dust. It's not good genes. It's killing myself for an hour and a half, five times a week. But what I get out of it is relative to what I put into it. That's what I try to do in all areas of my life." Did anyone else pick up on the smug superiority? I mean, I know it was kind of subtle and all...

I think it's sort of obvious what the motivation behind it is: feeling better about myself; feeling powerful and in control of others' reactions to me; being confident in my flesh. (I think the word for all of this is pride.)

DON'T FALL FOR IT! Losing weight will not make you a better person. Being muscular does not equate to integrity. Being disciplined in one area of your life does not make you morally superior to all the "fat chicks".

Here's what I think (and this is my blog, so that's what I'm bound to write): You can be addicted to food. You can be addicted to being fit. They're both the same sin. Addiction isn't okay just because the thing you're addicted to is culturally accepted. Moderation in all things.

God doesn't accept you based on your weight. And, for the most part, I don't think we Christian women do that to each other, either. We don't look at someone else and judge them based on their appearance. But we can be SO HARD on ourselves, and then inadvertently make others feel worse about their physical issues.

I don't struggle as much with weight anymore, but up until recently, I struggled with accepting other features of my appearance that I didn't like and couldn't change. Like everything on my face.

And then big, horrible things happened in my life that made worrying about off center eyes or a too gummy smile seem so superficial and needless. These issues weren't issues. Changing them would not fix my pride problem. Obeying God would.

Godliness comes in all shapes and sizes. I've met godly thin women and godly curvy women. I've met women of strength of character who wore lots of make up and others who wore none. Their beauty didn't come from their diets or their workouts or their makeup or their clothes, but rather in their humility, their kindness, their steadfastness, their patience. When you're in the presence of a godly person, you don't notice their appearance because they look so much like Jesus.

This is just food for thought from a slightly cranky, pmsing woman, who very happily consumed a chocolate donut whilst writing this.