Backpedaling

So, it's time for the "Ok, I was a little emotional last post" post. So let me clarify.

First off, thanks for the comments and support! You made me feel more comfortable and gave me food for thought.

If you go two posts back, you'll see that life has been sorta heavy for me lately. Lots of learning and stretching and pain and growth going on. But God is so so so so so so so (not nearly enough "so's") good! I honestly would not trade the trials I have endured, because through them, God is refining me, revealing what's in my heart, and showing His presence in my life.

But when life is difficult in one area, it's easy for that trial to spill over in other areas. Frustration comes easily when you're already edgy.

Anyway, I just want to say for the record:

1. I LOVE my church. LOVE it. People are warm, compassionate, forgiving. The generosity I have received from members of my church leaves me speechless. I often find myself just being overwhelmed with thankfulness, because I KNOW that when great trials come up in my life, I can count on my brothers and sisters to be there. To pray. To listen. To provide any help they can.

2. I know that wherever I go, whatever denomination or non-denomination I'm a part of, that my fellow believers are sinners...just like me. On this earth, the bride of Christ will be plagued by sin. I talk about Baptists a lot, because that's what I know. But you could just as easily insert any ol' denomination and have a slew of problems.

3. While certain issues frustrate me, there are far more that I totally agree with in my fellowship. And the things I disagree with are not deal-breakers. Not the biggies. Not "hills I want to die on." I vent on my blog, but I know that my particular church has a dedication to God's Word, and even if not everything is perfectly accurate (no church is), the MAIN truths are evident.

4. We actually had a really good talk with our Pastor last night (eeek!!). It wasn't as scary once he encouraged me to be honest and comfortable speaking my thoughts. I realized that I can disagree with him and we can still respect each other. I still feel puny and insignificant and childish when I disagree, but it's not because he makes me feel that way. That's just a hang up that I'm going to have to overcome. He actually helped change my mind on something. GASP! I don't know if he knows how big of a deal that is and how humiliated I was when I realized he was right. Humble pie is not my favorite dish, but I survived it.

5. Final point, and I'm reiterating a bit. I don't believe that disagreeing with the opinions of others is a reason to jump ship. There is no perfect church. We've survived tougher spots in our fellowship before, and it was such a blessing in the end to look around at our brothers and sisters and to know we stuck through it. I know that we'll look back on this time one day and feel the same way. Just like in a family, overcoming obstacles makes you closer. Disagreeing teaches you empathy and how to handle pride. God uses others to help smooth out our rough edges. It wouldn't be very Christlike to give up on Christians just because we're imperfect.

So, there's my more rational take on the issues.

Thank you for listening. Now back to our regularly scheduled blogs about absolutely nothing.

Good Grief

I'm having issues with my Baptist affiliation these days.

This is nothing new. If I'm honest, I've been having issues with the Baptist Church for the better part of a decade.

Today's issue? This assumption that when I disagree with a teaching or an opinion of my church, I am "not enduring sound doctrine".

I've become a bit of a skeptic, I'll admit. I spent over 20 years pretty much buying whatever I was taught. I've had to unlearn a lot of legalism and let go of a lot of downright sinful ideas. So, whether it's a good thing or not, I take what I hear from my church and my denomination with a hefty grain of salt. It's good in the sense that it makes me search diligently through the Scriptures for answers. It's bad in the sense that I have a hard time trusting my brothers.

And it doesn't help that there seems to be a whole lot of guilt flowing around for people who question. This is probably just my perception, but have you ever felt like the sermon is aimed directly at you? And not in a "Wow, I needed to hear that" way, but rather an "Are they picking on me?" way. Lately it seems like every sermon, lesson, and conversation is preceded by "this is God's opinion, not mine." Which makes me feel like a wretched sinner when I'm a bit wary of what I hear.

Am I just rebellious? Should I just swallow the teachings I disagree with? Should I accept the party line and the prevalent interpretation of certain Scriptures?

Or do I speak up at the risk of being "a dissenter"? Am I allowed to converse about my own convictions with my brethren? Will I be seen as hostile even if I'm gentle in my delivery?

I'm not really in the mood to be judged right now.

I kinda get the feeling that my parents' generation never questioned what they heard. I can understand how in the sixties, the church tightened it's belt and got firm on certain issues when the culture of the time was letting loose. The youth of the day were frightened by the changes in society and sought refuge in the rules and feeling secure with their clean consciences.

But in their obedience, I'm afraid they believed a lot of false doctrine.

And now when it's questioned, they get defensive.

Which I guess I can understand. I mean, I'm the same way when I'm questioned.

Sheesh, my head hurts from all the thinking. Here's to two incoherent blog posts in a row! I need some chocolate.

It's complicated

My life of late has been a bit...complicated.

I'm a very weird person. Around 87% of the time, I'm a very laid back, roll with the punches kind of girl. Not easily riled up or offended. Far too lazy to make a fuss about things.

The other 13% is characterized by obsessiveness, irritation, frustration, and confusion.

I'm in the 13 % right now.

I can't in good conscience blog about the specifics of my struggles. That frustrates me. While I'm generally very private in conversation, I'll say just about anything in writing. It's part of my process. It's how I learn. It's a comfortable way for me to get feedback from others. I long to be open and transparent about what I'm dealing with. I want to use these things to help others. That's how I can make sense of all this craziness. But for various reasons, I have to be silent, at least for now.

So I blog about the mundane. About other issues that aren't really as important to me. It's sort of like drinking Diet Pepsi instead of the real thing. Gets me through, but it's not what I really want.

How do other people cope? I know I'm not the only one to ever struggle with trials, with questions, with serious concerns and burdens. Are they hiding too? Do we pass each other in the church lobby and smile and make small talk, all the while our minds being consumed with the big things that we never say?

I'm sure I'm not making much sense. My apologies.

I know that God is using this in my life for a purpose. It's sort of weird actually. God is planting seeds in my heart for how I can someday use what I have dealt with to help others. Where once I despised the idea of public speaking, now I find myself thinking, "I could talk to a group about this." I've also tinkered with writing a book. I'm pretty sure I'm a failure at fiction, so I've been turning my thoughts more to nonfiction (which is ironic because I hate reading nonfiction.) There have even been some songs beginning to be written down. Who knows what God will do with all He is teaching me?

It's that thought that encourages me when I'm frustrated or overwhelmed. I don't mean to sound all holy and all, but it's such a peaceful thought to know that I am learning all this hopefully to benefit someone else. Helps me get out of that self-focused mindset. God is good. And while I'm impatient, there are still things I need to learn before whatever "ministry" He's preparing can be attained.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:10-11

Oh, Brother...Or make that Oh, Brethren

No deep thoughts today. Just a growing frustration that may turn itself into a valid blog post at some point in my life.

Sigh....Baptists. (I'm rolling my eyes. Can you tell?)

I'm me

I'm not an athlete.

I'm not a businesswoman.

I'm not famous.

I'm not rich.

I'm not particularly crafty or artsy.

I'm not organized.

I'm not a size 4. Or 6. Or 8. Or 10.

I'm not a math or science whiz.

I'm not handy or deeply involved in home renovation.

I don't have a clean house, tan legs, a trim stomach or the latest gadgets.

I'm not interested in having an overflowing schedule.

I don't run marathons, I can't afford organic food, and I'm not good at hostessing.

But none of that really bothers me. It used to. I used to feel like less when I saw others doing these things or being these things. I used to feel like I had to assimilate, blend in, be on par with everyone around me.

But I'm over that.

I'm me.

Charlie Brown, eat your heart out.

God has been revealing to me that my striving to be like everyone else is just a form of pride. It's a desire to hide what I think are failures. It's trying to make me something other than God intended me to be.

God loves me just the way I am. He loves me even with my size 12 hips. He loves me even though I'd much prefer reading for an hour than working out for an hour. He loves me even though I'd fail an algebra 2 test.

He created me to be me.

That doesn't mean He wants me to never strive or push forward. He's definitely interested in me making sensible decisions and taking care of myself.

But above and beyond everything this world tells me I should be, He desires my heart.

So my goals aren't to finish a marathon or update my kitchen.

Right now, I'm trying to simplify. I want to spend more time with Jesus. I want to grow closer to my husband and children and spend time in the Word with them. I want to be a wife that honors my husband and a mom that is a picture of Jesus. I'm allowing Him to strip away all these things I once thought I needed to be and allowing Him to show me what He wants me to be. God is so good. I don't have to change my interests and hobbies to please Him. I can honor him with what I've got. I don't have to be someone else.

I was created to be me. And you were created to be you. We may have different interests, desires and goals.

But we were all designed with a unique purpose. Don't settle for less.

The Double Standard

So I'm a woman.

(Lest you weren't aware.)

Now, I'm not one that was blessed with a generous amount of....wiles. I've always been goofy and awkward and...unwily. My talents lie more in the arena of annoying debate rather than feminine charms. The only man I have ever used any sort of...wiles on is my husband. I have never intentionally provoked any other man to any sort of impure thought.

And yet, growing up in the church, I have been taught that I'm responsible even for the unintentional thought provocation.

This has always sort of grated at me, and I wasn't sure why for a long time. But when I started birthing humans, and they were males, my mind eventually wandered to raising them in to godly men. I thought of the challenges they would face in the area of sexual purity. But my thoughts always bent towards "they need to learn to be respectful of women and not use them for pleasure" instead of "every girl they come in contact with had better be wearing a mumu."

I began to notice a bit of a double standard where modesty is concerned. I started paying attention. Whenever anyone brought up modesty in a sermon or a lesson, there was a disproportionate emphasis on the woman's responsibility. It would go something like this.

"In our society today, you don't have to look very far to be bombarded with explicit images and material. You don't have to be looking for it to find pornography. Just go to Cedar Point or the mall, and you'll see as much skin as you would in a lingerie ad. And it is permeating the church. Ladies, if you constantly have to be tugging at your blouse or hem, you need to take careful consideration of your wardrobe. If your clothing doesn't look any different from the worldly woman's, you are leading your brothers in Christ to stumble. If it's too tight, too short, too low cut, you are enticing our men to sin. Take care that you aren't being a temptation to men in your dress....And men, do not look lustfully at a woman."

You might think I'm exaggerating, but I promise you, more often than not, this is precisely how it goes, at least in my experience.

I do believe that modesty in dress is important. Obviously, I believe godly women should take consideration in how they dress. Of course we shouldn't be revealing all God gave us because our clothing is immodest.

But who's to say what the standard is? I mean, there are obvious ones that no one does, like wearing a bikini top and mini skirt to church. I've never seen anyone wear a leather jumpsuit either. That would chafe. Nor have I seen any sort of neckline reminiscent of J-Lo's infamous blue-green dress.

I admit to liking fashion. And there was a time in my life many many many moons ago when I knew how to use clothing to seduce. Of course, I wasn't really overt about it. But I did know what outfits of mine Seth liked (this was way back in high school). Seth's likes in my wardrobe always leaned to the "classy" side (which is ironic, because when I met him he owned a white linen suit). He likes it when I dress up a little. And I admit, I would use that to my advantage on occasion. But there were also things I wore that I had no idea caused any sort of a stir in him. To this day, he'll remember with a wicked grin things that I have no recollection of wearing or finding especially alluring.

Does that make those articles of clothing immodest? Should I have taken him shopping with me and totally avoided anything he liked on me? I'm not sure I would have been able to leave the store with a single item.

Let's point out a simple fact here: A woman could be wearing a burqa, and a man could still lust after her.

I believe there are two sides to this coin, and both are of equal value. Women should strive for modesty and being of wholesome character. Men should strive for purity and integrity in their thought life.

And I don't personally believe dressing modestly means we have to give up being fashionable. I know there are some who feel that wearing anything bought this year is immodest. Current trends=unholy. I don't get it. Because even if you're wearing clothes you bought twenty years ago "in the good ol' days", chances are twenty years ago men found your clothing just as alluring. It's not so much what the woman's wearing in most cases, it's just the simple fact that she's a woman. Men like women. Duh.

When I pointed this out to my husband a few years ago, he began to notice it too. It's not that there's a total lack of teaching where male purity is concerned. But it's so easy for guys to fall into this mindset that because they are male they MUST lust. It's just the way we are, girls, so deal with it accordingly. They honestly believe that there is no overcoming this problem in their thought life. So the responsibility is shifted to women to control their thoughts.

I may not be a male. I may not struggle with lusting after what my eyes see. But I have absolutely no doubt that it is possible to live free from lust, even in a "colorful" world. There are many verses that come to my mind--Philippians 4:13, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Romans 6:17-19. But there is one big reason I believe it's possible.

Jesus did it.

And yes, Jesus was God.

But that doesn't mean he didn't face temptation.

Jesus is proof that a man can "make a covenant with his eyes" and live a lust free life. Jesus didn't segregate himself from women. He ministered to "unseemly" women of his day. Many of his followers were women. And I have an inkling that some of those feminine followers had crushes on Jesus. Maybe some of them even flirted with him or tried to get his attention.

But Jesus did not sin.

Not only that, but Jesus didn't require women to cover themselves up for him to minister to them.

I don't think it's enough to tell women to be careful what they wear. Because even if every Christian woman was covered from head to toe, there are still millions of uncovered women in the world with whom Christian men will cross paths. Being a follower of Christ means being like him. It means we see another person through the lens of God's love, not as a source of lust or an object to seduce. We put their needs before our own. We act "maturely" towards them.

That means a godly woman will double check her clothing before heading out. And that means a godly man will look away if he finds himself struggling.

And for goodness' sake, let the poor nursing mothers out of the tiny, freezing closet attached to the nursery. Breastfeeding is perfectly modest, especially when done by godly women. You don't have to hide us just because the fact that we're feeding our babies simply reminds you that we have....well, you know. Assets. The kid's gotta eat. A lot. This is one area that the covenant with your eyes would come in very handy.

I have much more to say on this subject (no surprise). Things my husband has told me from a male point of view. We've been reading "Sex Isn't the Problem: Lust is" by Josh Harris and it's very good and stirs up lots of conversation. But I've already written quite a bit here, so maybe I'll do a part two at another time. Unless everybody yells at me that I'm an idiot and to just keep my stinkin' opinions to myself.

Then I'll just quietly fume.