I am definitely a dreamer. It probably stems from my strange personality of impulsiveness coupled with laziness. Dreaming is easier than doing. In my lifetime, I've done so many things, just in my day dreams. As a kid, I wanted to be everything from a doctor to an astronomer to a professional figure skater. I was going to have two sets of twins (one boy set and one girl set, of course), marry a tall man with blond hair, and design our own dream house, complete with that ever-so-necessary wrap around porch on all sides, and of course, a bathroom for each bedroom so the twins don't have to share.
When I became a teenager, I narrowed down my dreams: Marry Seth and be a writer. I spent every day for six years, daydreaming about my marriage to Seth. I must have had a dozen wedding scenarios planned out: different dresses, cakes, songs, bridesmaids, flowers, you name it. And as for writing, I was going to write non-fiction devotional books (which ironically, are one of my least favorite things to read).
Well, out of all those dreams, I definitely had the best one come true. I am very happily married to the same boy I used to write embarrassingly sappy teenage fiction about (no you may not read it...ever). And somewhere along the way, I gave up those dreams of being a figure skating architect doctor who writes on the side. I don't have strong enough ankles for skating anyway.
But I still dream, even today. I have one dream in particular. One big dream. In fact, sometimes my dream just feels so big I can't even grasp it. That's probably why they call it a dream. It's an unlikely, a "probably not gonna happen". Something that would be miraculous for it to even occur.
My big dream is to sing professionally.
I know, me and about another 2 billion people, right? I've been singing since I was about 8 years old, publicly since about 10. But ever since I started having kids, I've just felt this desire to sing more. It's like a fuse has been lit somewhere in me and I just can't get enough of it. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love using this gift wherever I can, especially in my church. I'll sing anywhere, anytime, and I'll especially enjoy it when I'm part of a really rockin' praise band. It's so addicting. I look at groups like Hillsong or Desperation Band and I start to salivate. To be part of such a huge musical worship movement in our Christian culture...Wow, I just can't imagine. And I'll be honest with you, I really don't care about fame or money. I just want to sing...and sing, and sing. I'd be happy being a background vocal on any stage, as long as Jesus is being proclaimed. I love seeing people worship, seeing them pour out their hearts to God in a song. And you can see that best from a stage.
But let's be honest. There's a very good chance I will never have a musical career.
Call me a pessimist (I prefer "realist"), but while I'm a huge dreamer, the only dream I was ever certain about was Seth. All the other dreams had major flaws. Like the weak ankles. And the fact that I am not that great at math (there goes Architecture and Astronomy). And the slight problem that I have never finished any writing project longer than about 50 pages. And the fact that you can't really control whether or not you have twins, let alone their genders. So eventually, those dreams fell into the recesses of my life, not totally forgotten, but certainly only aired out during times of deep cleaning in my brain. They are simply dreams. Not passions.
And while music may be my passion, there are certainly a few hitches. One being that the music industry is extremely hard to break into. Another being that I'm not totally confident that my voice is music-industry worthy. And that I have precious babies to raise right now.
So why does God give us these big dreams, big desires that when we are truly honest with ourselves, we have to admit they will probably never happen? Is it just to frustrate us?
Any gift or talent or desire God gives us is not really for us. It's really all for His glory. Any time I get to partake of even a little taste of my dream, I'm reminded of the fact that it's all for Jesus. It's all to make Him look good. I can try to steal the stage sometimes (no pun intended) and get wrapped up in how fun and how exciting and how fulfilling that dream would be, but bottom line is if it's not for Jesus, it's pointless. If God wants me on a stage, He'll provide the stage. If He wants me in a recording studio, He'll make it happen. If He wants me in space or in an white lab coat or as the mother of two sets of twins, I don't have to worry about whether or not it will happen. He'll put the paths in front of me and guide the necessary steps. Not for me though. He'll do it for His glory.
And on the other hand, maybe He won't do it at all. Maybe His purposes for me are much different. But I can be sure that no matter what God has in store for me, if I am seeking Him, at the end of my life I will look back over the things He has done and be pleasantly fulfilled. Because the ultimate dream isn't a career or a circumstance. It's being a child of God, a tool in His hands.
In a conversation recently with one of my sisters, she mentioned that maybe some of us will never have our big desires fulfilled here on earth. But someday, when we are with Jesus, there will be a reward for our souls. Some way, some how, we'll get to fulfill those dreams.
What's your big dream?