So, this has been a very surreal few days for me. Full of some major lows, but also incredible lessons that will hopefully keep me out of the mire like this in the future.
It's very difficult when someone thinks they have you figured out, and they don't like what they see. All too often, we are so quick to ascribe people motives or ideas that aren't really the case. We see what we want to see, we pick at what we think is a problem, we judge, and we break hearts in the process.
I am not immune to this struggle. I have been judged. And I have judged. Double whammy.
I'm not really into dramatics. I don't like petty arguments. I loathe heated discussions that are wrapped up in emotions. They never end well. They only make the problem worse. But hating these things doesn't keep me out of these situations sometimes. The other day, I found myself at the point of choosing how to respond to someone who was trying to pick a fight with me. Someone who has hurt me and the ones I love many times and doesn't even realize it.
I responded poorly.
Anger and hurt feelings are never good accessories in these situations. But I decided I was fed up. I ignored the voice in my head that said "forgive...let go...ignore." Through my tears I lashed out, pouring out part of the bitterness that had grown inside me over the years of mistreatment.
Talk about gasoline on a fire.
For a few minutes, I felt good. I felt free of the annoying "keep it to yourself" voice that I'd heeded for so long. But it wasn't long before the silence of that voice threw me into the realization of what I had done.
I have been working so hard on seeking the Holy Spirit's voice in every situation. Praying over every decision I make. Running my responses past that voice before actually responding. But all of the sudden, it was just so easy to throw all that out the window. And when the dust settled, the silence was overwhelming.
I tossed and turned all night, my conscience raging, but still letting the hurt and sin against me try to swallow the hurt and sin I caused against another. I didn't want to think about that person hurting. I just wanted to sulk in a corner and lick my wounds.
But my Heavenly Father is so good. He is so full of grace and love and truth and light. Finally, when I accepted that I had sinned, I heard His voice again, asking me if letting those hurtful words out had made any of the pain I felt from this person go away. I admitted it hadn't.
I decided then and there that I couldn't let this continue to fester. So I sent an e-mail to this person...probably not the best way, but it was the one available to me...admitting that I had sinned in my reaction. I really did mean it. Sinking to that level did not change anyone's mind, it did not solve any problems, and it definitely didn't please my Father. I don't want to get caught up in that filth, in that mindset of getting even. Truly, all I want is peace. I sabotaged that with my sin, but God is good. He can heal. And He has forgiven me.
I don't know if this person will ever forgive me. I don't know if the relationship will ever change. I know God can work. So we will see. I will pray. I will keep my mouth shut when anger and hurt boil over (Lord help me please!). I don't want to live in the shackles of pride and sin. It really is so much better to turn the other cheek, even when every fiber of your being wants to throw your own punch.
Lord, help me remember your love on the cross, even as I mocked you and hurt you. You forgave. You loved.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Not Parent-Centered, Not Child-Centered, But Rather Christ-Centered
I have recently come to a very freeing conclusion. One that has deepened my relationship with the most important parties in my life, namely my heavenly Father, my husband, and my children.
My conclusion is simply this: My kids don't have to be perfect.
Stating the obvious? Perhaps. But you wouldn't believe some of the ridiculous struggles I've had just because I had some silly notion that my kids weren't meeting certain criteria--keeping up the appearances of a model Christian family.
So often, we parent not for our children, but for the people watching. We allow others' notions of acceptable behavior to dictate our standards, our methods, our values, instead of looking only to God's Word for these things. But I'm through with parenting for the masses, with the constant comparisons of my children to others, of pretending to care about things I didn't really care about just so I look acceptable to others.
I'll go so far to say that not only do my kids not have to be perfect, I don't want them to be perfect!
A perfect child has no need of forgiveness. A perfect child never feels the weight of sin. A perfect child never understands the need for grace.
So I want my kids to make mistakes. I totally believe that tantrums, disobedience, talking back, whining...all of these are teachable moments. They are not opportunities for me to scream or yell...though I'd be lying if I said that never happened. They are not moments that they need to see "the wrath of God". They are not times for me to push my own agenda of proper behavioral standards. They are moments when a precious child is displaying his need of a Savior. While they were caught up in their childish acts of rebellion...that was when Christ died for them. Not when they were being good and sweet and kind. But when they were sinners.
I am ashamed to admit that I have sometimes doubted my God-given instincts as a mother because they are in contrast to many of the ideas that are prevalent. I can remember feeling guilt because I didn't let my baby cry it out, or because I nursed on demand, or because my children are welcome into our bed anytime. I'm not a big proponent of spanking, I don't schedule my newborn's feedings or naps, and I don't mind getting up a couple times a night to comfort a crying infant. I used to feel like I was making mistakes following my instincts. That because I parented differently, I parented wrong. There are many in Christian circles who tout man-made ideals as the only way to successfully parent. They praise authors, books, and formulas as the key to godly parenting. Some of these authors have great insight. Others give me the creeps. But I have chosen to ignore most of them. I don't want to get caught up in any parenting guru or method. I do not care if my ways are looked down on. I do not answer to anyone for my parenting other than my Father.
So when it comes to my parenting style, I am trying to only focus on God's Word and how it applies to my children. God has given me these children for a purpose. He knows my convictions and my beliefs. He knows my goals as a mom. And he has blessed me with two amazing kids whom I love so dearly and whom I'm so proud of.
My goal as a parent is not to have perfect little Christian kid-bots. I want them to do right, yes. I want them to be sociable and polite, sure. But more important to me than their behavior are their hearts. I want them to follow after God because they are fiercely in love with Him and have felt His touch on their lives, not because I tell them to. I want them to obey Christ because they long to please Him, not because they'll be punished if they don't. I want them to see us as their parents for what we are--fellow sinners saved by grace, whom God has assigned to be their guides to the cross. I want to be a model of Christ to my kids. Since Ethan was just an infant, I have been claiming Galatians 5:22-23 as my standard for how I want to parent. Believe me, I have failed countless times, but I keep coming back to these verses. I keep reading them and rereading them and immersing myself in the words and their meaning. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Against such things there is no law." I want my kids to see these attributes in me. Like I said, I fail everyday, but by the grace of God, He is working on me and helping me to push past a selfish desire for my kids to never show their sin nature, especially in public. I cannot control how my kids behave every second. I can only control my reaction to their behavior. And I want that reaction to always be in love, in gentleness, correcting in a Christlike manner. They will not succeed with rules alone. Rules without relationship breed rebellion. They need to be shown how much we love them and what the rules protect them from. And they need to know that we are not going to stop loving them even for a second, no matter what they do...just as Christ has loved us and forgiven us.
Thank you God for my wonderful children. Thank you that every day, I am given moments in which I can show them your love--moments in which you sharpen me and mold me into your image. Lord, help me be an instrument that shows them your fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Help me to extend these attributes rather than expect them from my children.
And may the kindness of God shown in us pull them to the cross.
My conclusion is simply this: My kids don't have to be perfect.
Stating the obvious? Perhaps. But you wouldn't believe some of the ridiculous struggles I've had just because I had some silly notion that my kids weren't meeting certain criteria--keeping up the appearances of a model Christian family.
So often, we parent not for our children, but for the people watching. We allow others' notions of acceptable behavior to dictate our standards, our methods, our values, instead of looking only to God's Word for these things. But I'm through with parenting for the masses, with the constant comparisons of my children to others, of pretending to care about things I didn't really care about just so I look acceptable to others.
I'll go so far to say that not only do my kids not have to be perfect, I don't want them to be perfect!
A perfect child has no need of forgiveness. A perfect child never feels the weight of sin. A perfect child never understands the need for grace.
So I want my kids to make mistakes. I totally believe that tantrums, disobedience, talking back, whining...all of these are teachable moments. They are not opportunities for me to scream or yell...though I'd be lying if I said that never happened. They are not moments that they need to see "the wrath of God". They are not times for me to push my own agenda of proper behavioral standards. They are moments when a precious child is displaying his need of a Savior. While they were caught up in their childish acts of rebellion...that was when Christ died for them. Not when they were being good and sweet and kind. But when they were sinners.
I am ashamed to admit that I have sometimes doubted my God-given instincts as a mother because they are in contrast to many of the ideas that are prevalent. I can remember feeling guilt because I didn't let my baby cry it out, or because I nursed on demand, or because my children are welcome into our bed anytime. I'm not a big proponent of spanking, I don't schedule my newborn's feedings or naps, and I don't mind getting up a couple times a night to comfort a crying infant. I used to feel like I was making mistakes following my instincts. That because I parented differently, I parented wrong. There are many in Christian circles who tout man-made ideals as the only way to successfully parent. They praise authors, books, and formulas as the key to godly parenting. Some of these authors have great insight. Others give me the creeps. But I have chosen to ignore most of them. I don't want to get caught up in any parenting guru or method. I do not care if my ways are looked down on. I do not answer to anyone for my parenting other than my Father.
So when it comes to my parenting style, I am trying to only focus on God's Word and how it applies to my children. God has given me these children for a purpose. He knows my convictions and my beliefs. He knows my goals as a mom. And he has blessed me with two amazing kids whom I love so dearly and whom I'm so proud of.
My goal as a parent is not to have perfect little Christian kid-bots. I want them to do right, yes. I want them to be sociable and polite, sure. But more important to me than their behavior are their hearts. I want them to follow after God because they are fiercely in love with Him and have felt His touch on their lives, not because I tell them to. I want them to obey Christ because they long to please Him, not because they'll be punished if they don't. I want them to see us as their parents for what we are--fellow sinners saved by grace, whom God has assigned to be their guides to the cross. I want to be a model of Christ to my kids. Since Ethan was just an infant, I have been claiming Galatians 5:22-23 as my standard for how I want to parent. Believe me, I have failed countless times, but I keep coming back to these verses. I keep reading them and rereading them and immersing myself in the words and their meaning. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Against such things there is no law." I want my kids to see these attributes in me. Like I said, I fail everyday, but by the grace of God, He is working on me and helping me to push past a selfish desire for my kids to never show their sin nature, especially in public. I cannot control how my kids behave every second. I can only control my reaction to their behavior. And I want that reaction to always be in love, in gentleness, correcting in a Christlike manner. They will not succeed with rules alone. Rules without relationship breed rebellion. They need to be shown how much we love them and what the rules protect them from. And they need to know that we are not going to stop loving them even for a second, no matter what they do...just as Christ has loved us and forgiven us.
Thank you God for my wonderful children. Thank you that every day, I am given moments in which I can show them your love--moments in which you sharpen me and mold me into your image. Lord, help me be an instrument that shows them your fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Help me to extend these attributes rather than expect them from my children.
And may the kindness of God shown in us pull them to the cross.
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